After the divorce, the conflicts between the former spouses often exacerbate, and children become one of their sources. How to keep contact parents if one of them is overwhelmed by resentment, indignation, a sense of injustice? The cognitive psychologist Julia Zakharova answers.
We parted several years ago, and our children (the youngest 3 years old, the oldest 6 years old) live with me. All concerns for children, including financial costs, on me. The husband almost does not see them. But as soon as the holiday or someone’s birthday suitable, he spends a lot of money on gifts and the celebration of this event-he invites animators, pays the cafe, takes the children to the water park or to the circus-I simply cannot afford all this. This is so unfair! In children, it is associated exclusively with pleasant – with gifts and holidays. But all everyday expenses lie on me! I can ask him not to spend so much? How can I compete with his money?
Svetlana, 37 years old
Once, from a divorced man, I heard the words: “My former children”. Sadly, but, unfortunately, the imperfection of legislation still allows men to consider their children “former”: not to participate in education, not to help financially.
Svetlana, I really sympathize with you: it is a pity that your husband is among such irresponsible fathers. It is really unfair that all the hardships of raising children are only on you. I have two sons, and I know firsthand that raising children is difficult. It takes a lot of time, requires strength and money. I admire your resistance.
You ask: “How can I compete with his money?”It is difficult for me to answer your question: it is not clear how the victory of a person over money looks from your point of view, what it consists. I will assume that you are more likely to compete with your husband, and not with his money. And, again, I want to ask you: what is the winning? When we are talking about children, the winnings are usually to grow them healthy: physically, mentally, morally. Husband’s money spent on holidays, they do not create obstacles here.
You will not break a three -year -old child that mom invests incommensurably more than her father. Yes, and is it necessary?
I understand your resentment. The husband chose the role of “human permanent”, and you got the role of “Man-Budni”. It is difficult for you to compete with him – everyone loves holidays. I can imagine how delight your children are from his visits. Surely they often recall these events, and every time you are painful and unpleasant to hear about them. You want your daily maternal work to be rightly
Education, childhood illnesses, prohibitions, financial expenses, lack of free time fall on your share. But how to explain this to the kids? You will not break a three -year -old child that mom invests incommensurably more than her father. Yes, and is it necessary?
Children think in simple categories: does not allow to indulge – angry, brought gifts – good. While the children are small, it is difficult for them to understand what maternal love and real care are. For them, it is natural like air. Understanding the maternal feat comes later, usually when they themselves become parents. Someday time will put everything in its place.
I think you have already tried to explain to your husband that you need not one -time promotions, but constant assistance and support, including financial. I assume that while it does not meet you and for some reason it does not have the opportunity to resolve these issues legally. It happens that women are trying to punish ex -husbands from despair and forbid them to see their children. It’s great that you have not chosen this path! I think that first of all because of caring for children.
It’s good that in the issue of the holidays, while you are proceeding for reasons of benefits for children. It is important for children to know that they have not only mom, but also dad, even if the “person-festival” comes several times a year. They see it, accept gifts and holidays for love and rejoice. It’s better than nothing.